Although unedited, you can still read the first three chapters of Ex's and Oh's, right here!

 

 Prologue

The Christmas tree lights twinkled and flashed, long past the date they should have come down. Dirty plates filled the sink, leftovers from a dinner nobody had eaten. The remnants of it spattered the wall of the tiny kitchen where the plate had smashed.

Billy stared at it—the bright orange bean sauce dripping down the magnolia-coloured wall, slowly making its way down to rejoin the rest of it on the floor with the smithereens of china.

"I didn't mean that," Billy exclaimed, still staring at the wall. Her face was flushed. Too much wine, too much of everything.

The baby was screaming in the other room. Her feed was due. She was just weeks old and needing her mothers.

Rosa turned and walked out of the kitchen, but the movement pushed Billy into action once more as she followed.

"I need you," she said to Rosa's back.

Rosa turned and glared. "The baby needs me, Billy. You're a grown woman—you should be capable of soothing yourself." She ran her hand through her hair. They were twenty-four years old, married for a year when they decided to have a baby. Now they had one, and everything was supposed to be wonderful. "You have to do something. We can't go on like this."

"I am doing something." Billy's voice raised again. "Don't you see that?"

"No, I don't. What I see is I'm struggling to keep things going. I'm working all day when I should be at home with our baby, and I can't leave our baby with you because you can't be trusted to look after yourself, let alone her. And then I get home and you're just…you're just here, but not here. Nothing's cleaned, nothing's cooked for dinner…you're just there, in your chair, feeling sorry for yourself."

"That's not fair."

"No, it's not…it's not fair, Billy." Rosa shouted, at the end of her own tether.

The baby's cries got louder, and Rosa moved quickly into the bedroom they all shared. This poky flat they should have moved out of by now. That was the plan. Get pregnant, move, and then raise the baby in their dream home.

"It's not my fault I lost my job," Billy said from behind as Rosa bent to lift Imogen from the crib.

"Shh, shh, it's okay, Immy. Mummy's here." She rocked her on her shoulder, bouncing from one foot to the other. "I'm not going over this again, Billy. Nobody blames you for losing your job."

"Feels like that is exactly what is happening." Billy's hands balled into fists. Her dark eyes brooded. "I just need…a break."

"A break? You've had a three-month break…you need a job, and you need to snap out of whatever this is—feeling sorry for yourself and moping all day. It's not healthy."

Rosa sat on the edge of the bed, slipped her top off, and unhooked the unattractive bra she'd been forced to wear whilst breastfeeding. Imogen latched on in a second, quieting her cries whilst suckling, eyelashes damp with tears.

"There, that's better, isn't it?" With the baby settled, Rosa looked at Billy. "I can't keep doing this. Either you're part of this family and you start to act like you want to be, or—"

"Nobody would miss me if I wasn't here," Billy snapped. Dark hair like their daughter's, longer and curlier, fell across her face.

"Stop it." Rosa said more loudly. "Just stop doing that." The baby mewled and began to cry again. "Shh, shh, it's okay. I'm sorry." She nudged the baby's lips with her nipple again, grateful when she took it.

"Stop what?" Billy cried.

"You can't keep saying things like nobody would miss me…as if you're going to kill yourself. It's not fair."

"It's true though. You'd all be better off without me."

Rosa sighed. "I'm too tired to keep fighting, Billy." She smiled down at Imogen. "She's my priority now. If you can't get your act together, then—"

"Then what?"

"You can leave," Rosa said flatly. Her eyes closed. She'd give anything for a few hours more sleep. A quick nap. But leaving Imogen in Billy's care right now would just be neglectful.

She wanted to fix things with her wife, but the trust was gone. She loved her so much but that wasn't enough anymore, was it? Not with a baby to take care of, and bills to pay.

"Fine." Billy said defiantly.

Rosa watched silently, still holding Imogen to her breast, as Billy reached for a suitcase off the top of the wardrobe and thumped it down onto the bed beside her.

"I'll go then," she said, staring at Rosa.

Now, it was the silence that screamed loudest.

Billy unzipped the case, flipped the lid open, and began pulling clothes from drawers and shoving them in, glancing at Rosa to stop her.

When she was done and the bag was full, she heaved it off the bed.

"I'll be at—"

"I don't care…just go."

The door slammed and Rosa let her shoulders drop. She moved up the bed and leaned back against the pillows.

"We'll be alright, Immy. I promise." She kissed the small head, inhaled that innate baby smell as her lips brushed across fine dark hair. "We'll work it out."

 

 

 

 

 Chapter One

Rosa Cafferty was already in a foul mood. Work had been long and stressful. She'd spent all afternoon chasing up information for best-selling author Roger Atherton’s new book. She'd thought research assistant sounded fun when she'd applied the previous year, and in all honesty, it was—but today Roger decided he needed information on autopsies and dismembered body parts. Which was a long way from the romance and erotic books Rosa read for her own pleasure.

"But Mum," Imogen whined for the third time that evening. "I don't understand what the big deal is. You and Billy get on great."

Rosa took a deep breath. Of course, to Imogen it looked like her parents got on great. They'd worked hard these past few years to make sure that Imogen had a secure, loving, and non-battleground upbringing. She had no idea about the nights they'd screamed at each other until Rosa wept, or the times Billy had threatened to end it all—and Rosa would spend hours talking her down, seeking help, all whilst juggling the home and a newborn's needs.

"It's just not convenient, Immy. Three weeks’ notice? Besides, you've got your friends going with you and Billy will be there. You'll have a great time." She pulled her daughter close and kissed the side of her head and caught sight of them both in a reflection off the microwave.

It struck Rosa how much of Billy lived in her daughter's face. They'd clearly picked the right donor, because it was Rosa who had carried and birthed their only child. But the darker hair and strong cheekbones were so much like Billy that it shocked Rosa at times. She'd fully expected their child to be a redhead, with herself being blonde, but no that hadn’t been the case.

"I'm going to be sixteen, it's a big deal." Imogen continued, "And just once, I'd like to have a party where I remember both of my parents being there."

"We were both at your first four." Rosa argued, but even she felt the weakness of that argument. They were there, that part was true. On opposite sides of the room, not speaking unless they needed to.

Imogen stared at her with those big blue eyes she'd inherited from Rosa. She smiled to herself—at least that much of her had made it through to the next generation.

"Mum, please. I don't ask for much." Imogen went full on with the manipulation, another trait of Billy's, Rosa noted. “Will you at least talk to Billy when she picks me up at the weekend?”

"I'll think about it, okay." She smiled but didn't feel the joy of it. "What did you want for dinner?"

"I had something at Robbie's aunt's place after school," Imogen shrugged.

"I dunno how she's still in business feeding all you kids every day."

Imogen laughed. "It's not every day, and it's only me, Robbie, and Janka."

Rosa felt a flutter of gratitude. She'd gotten lucky with Imogen's friends. Robbie had been a bit of trouble at one point, but who could blame the poor kid, losing her parents in that awful plane crash and having her life turned upside down like that.

Rosa had worried the first time Imogen had brought her home, but maybe having a friend like Imogen was what Robbie had needed, especially when she was living with her gay aunt. They had more in common with each other than most others.

Then Janka had arrived from Ukraine and the three of them had become best buddies over one long, hot summer of lounging at the park and reading books that Rosa was sure were not for their age range.

"Just don't take advantage. Everyone's feeling the pinch nowadays. I do have food in the cupboards—it's not like you're going to starve." Rosa's tone came out sharper than she'd intended, the day's exhaustion bleeding through.

Imogen laughed at that. "Nobody thinks you're starving me." She picked up an apple from the fruit bowl. "It's just easier. We do our homework together and then Georgia feeds us. We don't even ask—it just appears on the table."

"Well, the weather's turned and it's darker now, so maybe you can do your homework at home, and I won't have to worry about you walking the streets."

"Oh my days, Mum, this is Amberfield. Literally nothing happens here."

"I know where we live, young lady. I also know that anything can happen anywhere, so just be careful." Rosa's jaw tightened, her eyes locking onto Imogen's.

"Okay, I was just saying…"

The stand-off lasted less than twenty seconds.

"So, I'm going to call Billy and make sure she's onboard with my party plans…I guess at least she'll be there."

Rosa pressed her tongue into the side of her mouth to stop herself from saying something she might not regret.

Because of course Billy would be there. It was her parents hosting after all, and wasn't she always the good parent? The one who let Imogen climb trees and dive off high boards way before she was ready. Wasn't it Billy who was the fun one? She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "It's not a competition," she reminded herself.

But it was, wasn't it?

 

 Chapter Two

Music blared from the car stereo as Billy Fisk drove towards Amberfield for her weekend with Imogen, an agreement that had only been in place for the last three years. Before that it had been monitored visits, or agreements that her parents be there. And in all honesty, she couldn't really blame Rosa for the precautions. She'd been a mess for far too many years of their daughter's young life.

She'd stopped at the supermarket and picked up a bagful of stuff Imogen would want to eat over the weekend, and stuffed it all onto the supposed back seat that served no real purpose, unless the people in the front were pushed up against the dashboard.

Billy didn't care though. The car was all part of the image. She was back, and the world knew about it. The way she dressed, the car, the flat overlooking the river.

Nothing and no one would ever take her down that path of self-destruction again.

She pulled up outside the small cottage and yanked the handbrake. Always the same feeling when she arrived here—the ghost of what they'd planned together. Rosa had made the dream real. Their dream home that Billy played no part in anymore.

She couldn't blame Rosa for that either.

The door opened and Imogen rushed out, pulled the handle of the door on the small sports car, opening the door wide before Billy had even switched the engine off.

"Billy, you're early. I'm not finished packing."

Billy climbed out, long legs stretching, knees clicking. She caught her own reflection in the living room window. Her tall frame was thin, wiry. Years of being on edge, therapy—it had taken its toll in many ways, but now she looked about as healthy as she ever had. Long dark hair swept back into a ponytail. Not a speck of make-up on her face, other than some lip gloss.

"Hey, Immy." She pulled her daughter close and kissed her forehead. "You have clothes at mine, and it's not like we have far to come back if you did need something."

Imogen shrugged. "I know, but…I kind of think of it like a holiday when I come to your place." She glanced over her shoulder at Rosa standing in the doorway watching them. "And Mum needs her own time, without me back and forth.” She paused and then added, “Maybe it's about time she met someone again."

Billy raised a hand and waved at her ex-wife. "Still no dates?" she whispered.

Imogen shook her head. "Not sure she's looking, to be fair."

"I guess she'll meet someone when the time is right." Because it isn't your business now, is it?  She followed Imogen up the garden path, and casually smiled at her ex. "Rosa, how's things?"

Rosa shrugged. "All the same as usual. Work, home, this one, work." She mirrored the small smile back as Imogen passed her and rushed upstairs again. "Coming in?"

Studying Rosa for a moment, Billy noticed the crow's feet at the corners of her eyes, the slight greying at the temples. When had they both changed so much?

"Yes, sure. Imogen's still packing." She stepped inside and followed the hallway to the kitchen, waiting for Rosa as she closed the door behind them.

"I was just making a brew." A statement that carried an unasked question in all British households.

"Uh, sure, why not." She stood awkwardly until Rosa pointed to the chair.

"You can sit down." Rosa turned back to the kettle. "How's things with…what's this one called?" She twisted back around again. "Stella?"

"Yeah, we uh…we broke up."

"Oh." Rosa looked a little contrite. It was one thing having a little jibe when all was well. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm not." Billy half-smiled. "She didn't think my weekends with Immy were important, so…" She shrugged. "Don't like my kid being around, then…she's not for me."

"That's…quite true." Rosa looked at her properly for what felt like a long time. Something was different. No, something had crept up and become something she was only just noticing. Maturity?

“How about you? Anyone on the horizon?” Billy asked.

A faint blush smothered Rosa’s cheeks, and she turned back to the mugs, “No, I…I’m not really looking right now, too much on, you know?”

“Yeah, might take a break from it myself.”

 Silence filled the space. Something Billy was more than comfortable with usually, let a conversation end where it was supposed to. But right now, she didn’t want it to end.

"So…Imogen turning sixteen, who'd have thought." Billy said, sitting more comfortably in her chair. Jean-covered legs splayed as she took up space.

"Yes, imagine that—a baby growing into a teenager." Rosa snarked. She poured the water from the kettle into two mugs. "She's growing up too fast." Her voice softened. "She mentioned the party your parents want to throw."

"Ah, yeah, Mum kind of thought that with all the friends Immy has made over in Austria, it might be nice to have a party there. And they don’t see her as often as they’d like to."

"Not really a surprise. It's a long way to go to visit."

"A couple of hours on a plane, it's doable." Billy said. "I'd like to take her more often if that's good with you."

Rosa carried the two mugs to the table and put them down, pushing one in front of Billy. "I guess now she's older…it wouldn't hurt."

Billy grinned. "Really?"

"She's a sensible young woman, and your parents will be there, so…" She didn't add, I don't have to be concerned with you falling apart anymore.

Footsteps galloped down the stairs and Imogen flew into the kitchen on socked feet, gliding to a stop. "Billy, did you get me those trainers like you said?"

Billy blushed, glancing from Imogen to Rosa and back again. "I…yes, they're at my place."

"Excellent." Imogen was off again, running up the stairs with just as much noise as she'd made coming down them.

"I thought we talked about this." Rosa said quietly. "You have to stop spoiling her."

"I'm not, I just…"

"You are." Rosa cut in firmly. "You're trying to make up for everything by letting her have whatever she wants. That's not who we wanted to be."

Billy let the words sink in. ‘Who we wanted to be.’

"It's just a pair of shoes she needed."

"Like the pair she got at Christmas a couple of weeks ago?" Rosa's brows arched. "And it's her birthday in a few weeks. I suppose more presents she just needed?"

Billy let out a sigh. "Mum really wants you to come to the party."

"It's not really appropriate, is it?"

"Why not? We are her parents. Her friends will be there. It's not like we're going as a couple." Billy laughed. "Just think about it, for Imogen. It's all paid for—flights, accommodation."

"I'll think about it." Rosa said quietly.

The loud galloping down the stairs meant they both turned to watch the kitchen door for Imogen's imminent arrival.

"She wants us both there. We should put our differences aside, right?"

Rosa huffed. She really hated it when Billy had a point.

"Okay, I'm ready." Imogen puffed. Dressed like Billy in jeans and a hoodie, backpack slung over her shoulder, she stepped forward and gave Rosa a hug. "I'll see you Monday after school. Have some fun, Mum." She kissed Rosa on the cheek.

"Yeah, have some fun, Mum." Billy echoed with a playful grin. Grabbing her keys, she stood, tea untouched on the table. "Think about it." Imogen headed for the front door. "It'll mean everything to her. And trust me, I know all about missed opportunities with this kid."